


The Thought of Losing You

by myemergence



Series: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020 [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020, First Kiss, M/M, after a fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24521728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myemergence/pseuds/myemergence
Summary: He rubs his hands down over his face. "Of course that isn't what I want. But if I was in there then it would mean that you were safe. If I was in there that would mean Chim was safe. If I was in there it meant that Hen was safe. Every single one of you has someone that you have to go back to. I'm not about to make you guys risk your lives more than you need to, not if I can-""Unbelievable," Eddie mutters. "Honestly. Yes, we all have people to go home to, people who love us. But you have people that you need to be safe for."**First Kiss Week Prompt: After a fight
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769923
Comments: 28
Kudos: 350





	The Thought of Losing You

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta!

When Buck was a kid and he'd get upset about something, he always had Maddie. She would sneak a carton of ice cream out of the freezer and they would climb into her bed and watch something on TV. Somehow it always made what was going on fade away, made all of his problems seem a little bit smaller. As Buck got older and Maddie moved away from home he'd still climb into his bed with ice cream and call Maddie when he had a particularly hard day. They'd choose a movie and watch it together while they talked on the phone. And his problems didn’t seem so big anymore.

It had been a terrible and rotten day today. He had a particularly terrible end of shift and it wasn't even because of the call. It was the aftermath.

He wanted to call his sister, but he knew she was at work and he couldn't bother her just because he couldn't handle being an  _ adult _ . He couldn't call Eddie, because Eddie was  _ pissed _ and not talking to him, the entire cause for Buck’s mood. 

When Buck first got home he busied himself with cleaning the loft from top to bottom; he did all of the laundry in his apartment, and even cleaned out the refrigerator. He showered and changed into a pair of sweats. And now? Buck just feels empty.

He leaves his phone discarded on the counter along with his keys, front door locked, and burrows into the blankets in his bed, ice cream carton in hand. Buck knows it's not the same as having Maddie here or even the same as hearing her voice on the phone. At least those times he'd felt connected to her. He knows she's working and she's going to Chim's when she gets off from work at ten. He's not going to be the guy that interferes with that just because he's moping. He flips through the channels mindlessly before settling on a movie.

He can't focus on it.

All he can think about is the argument he had with Eddie and the absolute anger that rolled off of him in waves. Buck struggles to think of another time that he's seen Eddie so angry, with the brunt force of that focused solely on Buck.

It's been hours since their shift ended and he tried calling Eddie after he first got home. It went to voicemail and Buck hung up before leaving a message because really, what was the point of leaving a message anyway?

Buck sent a couple of texts asking Eddie to please just talk to him. His text messages had gone unanswered.

Buck got the message loud and clear.

He was just doing his job, why couldn't Eddie see that?

_ You're so careless, do you ever stop to think?  _ Eddie's words echo in Buck's ears even ten hours later. 

He silently eats a heaping spoonful of the creamy chocolate ice cream, trying to push Eddie's words away. It's draining all of the energy out of him. He tries to push the words away, push Eddie's anger away, but somehow it just lingers.

Buck sighs heavily. Doesn't Eddie realize that he was just trying to protect Eddie and keep him safe? He has a son to go back home to, he needs to be more careful than he's been lately, make sure that he's around for Christopher. 

Buck feels bitter about it, but there's not much that he can do.

Buck looks on as  _ Friends with Benefits _ starts to play and one corner of his lip pulls up slightly. This is one of Maddie's favorites. If he's being honest, it's become one of his favorites too, although he’d never admit it. He sets the near-empty ice cream carton on the edge of the bed. He yawns before he settles down in the warmth of his comforter, exhaustion burning his eyes as much as the unshed tears.

Buck thought that they understood each other. He thought that Eddie would accept what happened today and be thankful that he was able to go home to his son safely. 

He isn't sure how long it takes, but his eyes get heavy and he's unable to keep them open any longer.

________________________________

Buck's eyes open groggily when he hears someone pounding on the door. He ignores it at first, going down to the freezer and grabbing another pint of ice cream. He glances at the clock and sees that it's almost ten. He hears the knocking persist as he pulls the ice cream from the freezer, deciding that he's not going to open it. Who the hell would show up at his apartment this late anyway?

He's moving back upstairs to restart the movie, pretends that Maddie's here to make him feel better.

So far he's doing a shitty job of pretending.

He's almost up the stairs when he hears the key turn in the lock as he gets back into bed. Buck can't quite see as most of the lights are off downstairs. "Maddie?"

Buck hears the door close, and, a moment later, Eddie’s voice. "Don't you know how to answer your cell phone, man? I've been trying to get ahold of you for the last EIGHT hours." 

Buck shrugs. "Apparently something else I do wrong," he mutters, quiet enough that Eddie can't hear him from downstairs.

"I thought something happened to you. You can't just-" There’s the sound of the door being locked before the lights turn on downstairs. Buck watches Eddie ascend the stairs towards his room, watches as Eddie stands there looking at him. 

"What? I can't ignore you? Oh, I forgot that's  _ the Eddie Diaz special _ . I'll make sure that you're the only one that gets to ignore someone next time."

Eddie sighs heavily from where he stands across the room. "Can we talk about this?"

"Do we even have anything to talk about? I'm reckless and don't think about anyone or anything else, right? I got the message loud and clear, Eddie." All he does is think about Eddie and Christopher. He feels his chest ache as he remembers their argument back at the station when they'd returned from the call. 

"Buck," Eddie sighs. "We both know that I’m terrible at  _ this _ ." He waves his hand around without direction. "Please."

Buck sighs as he sets his carton of ice cream down. "Sit down," he says finally, motioning to the bed.

"I'm sorry I got angry with you," Eddie says finally as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed, voice even. "I was just so frustrated because once again, you were putting yourself on the line. Buck, you could have died. And you didn't even stop to think about that."

Buck laughs, and it sounds a little broken and unnatural. "Is that really what you think? That I just don't think about anything? You think that little of me."

"If you thought about it, you wouldn't just rush in there like you're a fucking hero every time. You would realize that you have people that you need to stick around for. Cap called it and you went back into the building. You could have  _ died _ . Then your little niece that's supposed to be meeting her Uncle Buck for the first time in a few months, she'll only know him by stories. Is that what you want?"

He rubs his hands down over his face. "Of course that isn't what I  _ want _ . But if I was in there then it would mean that  _ you _ were safe. If I was in there that would mean Chim was safe. If I was in there it meant that Hen was safe. Every single one of you has someone that you have to go back to. I'm not about to make you guys risk your lives more than you need to, not if I can-"

"Unbelievable," Eddie mutters. "Honestly. Yes, we all have people to go home to, people who love us. But you have people that you need to be safe for."

"An empty apartment. That's what I come home to. Yeah, I have a sister and a niece on the way, but it's not the same thing."

"That's all you have, then? A sister and a niece on the way?" Eddie asks him pointedly. Buck swallows hard but remains silent as he lowers his eyes. He doesn't know how Eddie wants him to answer that question. He knows that there are people in his life who would miss him, but they don't  _ depend _ on him. "You'd leave a soon to be brother-in-law behind, your friends-"

"They would all be fine! Yeah, they'd be sad, but they don't  _ depend _ on me. They don't  _ need _ me." Buck's body feels heavy with the weight of the conversation. Arguing with Eddie, of all people, is one of his least favorite things to do. It reminds him of how things were after the lawsuit, and he cringes at the memory. "They don't need me in the same way that Christopher needs you to come home, Eds. What would he do if you didn't come home one day?" A broken laugh bubbles past Buck’s lips and he swipes at his tears. "We almost found out. It wasn't that long ago that we almost lost you forty feet underground. We had to consider what life would be like without you and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. I don't think that Christopher would survive the loss of another parent. Isabel- I don't even know how I would ever explain it to her. I don't think I could survive it--telling them, or losing you."

Buck isn't sure when Eddie scooted closer on the bed, but his hands are resting on top of Buck's now. "You think that people don't need you? That I don't, that Christopher doesn't?" Eddie gently squeezes his hands, searching for Buck's gaze. "I have watched you almost die more times than I care to remember. Under the ladder truck. After your embolism. After the tsunami. So now every time that you choose to put yourself in these high-risk situations at work, it tears me apart. And yeah, part of that's the job and I get that, but you do it without consideration of what that could do to  _ me _ ." Eddie's voice shakes as he looks down, thumb tracing along the back of Buck's hand. "Because that could be the time that you don't make it out. That could be the time that you leave me and Christopher behind. I don't think  _ I _ could survive it, Ev. I—" 

Buck stops Eddie with a firm press of his lips, his fingers curl at the nape of Eddie’s neck to draw him closer. The kiss is wet and messy, and Eddie takes Buck's face in both hands. The mere thought of losing Eddie is gut-wrenching, which makes Buck want to burrow deeper into Eddie and never come up for air. He needs to be closer, to eliminate every bit of space between their bodies, so he presses Eddie back until he's laying on the bed. Buck moves one hand to Eddie's hip, gently gripping there as they continue to kiss. Finally, he draws back and leaves Eddie panting on the bed beneath him.

It takes a minute for Eddie to compose himself before a breathless "oh" slips past his lips. Buck's unable to contain his laughter, and he drops his head forward until it rests on Eddie's shoulder, his body shaking with it. "Why are you laughing, you dick?" Buck tries his best to get it under control as he looks down at Eddie.

"'Oh'? That's honestly the best that you could come up with? I kiss you after months of — whatever the hell it is that we've been doing and all you have to say is 'oh'." 

Eddie laughs easily at his words, eyes crinkling at the corners before he reaches up and brushes a thumb against Buck's cheek. "Don't be stupid next time, or I'm gonna kick your ass." 

"Guess you're gonna have to show me what I have to stick around for."

"Guess so," Eddie hums his agreement before he reaches up a hand behind Buck's neck and draws him down, Buck's weight heavy against Eddie. Their lips brush together lightly this time, a promise to Buck that he’ll always have something to come home to.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me or prompt me on Tumblr [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/myemergence)


End file.
